Sunday, 28 March 2010


I can barely bring myself to write this...

My concentration hasn't been too hot today. Frankly, I've been worrying myself sick - which isn't like me as I tend to be more of a "take what life throws at you" kind-of-a-kittie. However, today would have sent any 'feline with feeling' scurrying up the nearest tree, I reckon.

So why am I so moody? Well, I found out where Maw and Paw went this afternoon. They were trying to keep it secret but I checked her Netbook when they left and the latest website she'd looked up was oh...this is really hard for me to say...The Dddddddddog Trust. The only conclusion I can come to is that they're thinking of getting a puppy!!! Yes, my cat pals out there, this is dire straits indeed....

I stayed in all afternoon contemplating their return and had actually packed my knapsack with a view to fleeing the nest (I could live on titbits from KFC and maybe hang out in Sophia's home for a bit I reckoned).  Still, they returned at 5pm minus any canine accoutrement. Obviously they've done the Dog v Cat bit and the cat (as always, hee, hee) wins. Well, let's face it, we're so much cuter, independent and er...better at catching mice?

Anyhows, CHEERS!! my feline friends. Victory is ours!!

Milt the truely Magnificient xx

PS No offence, like, Frankie and Hobbs!

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Take Away Food is Heaven!

'Take that...and that...and feast your face on this...'

That's me getting my own back on Fatboy for stealing my grub. Just in my dreams but one day our punch-up will become a reality (we're both Weegie cats after all). Fatboy's still denying his crime but I reckon his MASSIVE stomach is proof enough.

He might get a temporary satisfaction from consuming my Hills chicken-encrusted delicacies but in the long run it really doesn't do him any favours. For instance, there's no-way he's gonna chase me up a tree. He tries but usually pathetically plops back down on the grass at the first attempt. I then like to nimbly dance around the branches a bit, baiting him. feels good to be a lithe, winsome creature (something Muttie might want to have a wee think about!) 

So anyhows, she's spending a lot more time at home these days, which is really getting to me. When she was working full-time I could kid her on I was an athletic individual who spent his days surveying his territory and berating any birds who came within an inch of our garden. Now, she sees me sleeping quite a rather a lot, actually.

And on the subject of sleep, I got NONE last night. Why? I hear you ask. Well, the answer is, the silly bint - or Muttie as she likes to be known - went to bed early last night with Julie Walters' autobiography. She laughed and laughed and then started giving it ZZZzzzzzzzzz's. Lil' ol' me meanwhile was outside and she'd shut all the windows! 

However, all was not lost. Around 1am I spotted the 'hot' neighbourhood cat Sophia stalking past the flat. I decided to follow her. She nipped past 'The Wilderness', a brown, rather uninspiring patch of ground, optimistically referred to by Muttie as 'My Garden' and headed towards the busy main road. I remained in pursuit altho it wasn't easy. At least on two occasions I had to conceal myself behind car tyres and at one point ended up pretending I was part of a Lidl dustbin. Still, it was worth it cos Sophia reached her destination and in doing so I experienced a revelation - there really is Manna from Heaven!! Or rather, chicken scraps from Kentucky Fried Chicken :). In order to obtain this scrummy grub apparently all a cat has to do is sit there looking cute and doleful. Well, with my looks I could hardly fail to melt the hearts of the generous staff.

The only problem was having to disguise my fried-breadcrumbed-coated whiskers from the bleary-eyed one the following day...but then, those human eye-bags do tend to miss a multitude of sins...

Milt the marauder xx

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

'ow's this for a convoluted Yoga pose...'

Okay, okay...I'm willing to admit Paw has a bit of wit.

For the last fortnight me and Muttie have been staying with Paw in the incredibly quiet commuter village of Beith in Ayrshire. For Muttie this is quite difficult as she loves the noisy diversions of the Weegie (Glasgow, for all the American followers out there).

Anyhows, Muttie admits Beith has a 'cracking' library and loves when she wakes up and can't hear any sirens (honestly, in her place, if it ain't the cops, it's the ambulance - who needs an alarm clock?!).

So anyways, since decanting there I've befriended another two pussys. Was a bit bizarre 'cos at first this cute eight-month-old lil' kittie approached me. Honestly, it was like lookin' in a mirror 'cept her face was all black. The next day, lo and behold, her mother approached and she was identical! Was bizarre in the extreme. Anyhows, at one point we three black and white pussies gathered together in the back of Paw's garden (Macbeth anyone?)

"Quick, quick," Paw hollered to the Muttie woman.

"Whhhhhhhat?" the prone-to-Bulimic-one spluttered, raising her head from the depths of the biscuit tin where she'd scoffed the third leg of a double chocolate Kit Kat and which, in the interests of division, belonged to PAW!

"You gotta see this," Paw coo'd, not realising, for one minute, Muttie had already started on his share of the double-chocolate Kit Kat.

Brushing the tell-tale brown crumbs from her striped cardi Muttie ventured towards the kitchen window.

"Look!" Paw exclaimed, sizing the three of us black-and-white cats in one. "It's a MILTitude of cats!!"

There ensued a loud moan from Muttie whenceforth she returned to the biscuit tin and shoved the fourth leg of KitKat in her gub.

"Psychologically, it's mine by right," she groaned.