Thursday, 1 July 2010

Mac = Misery

Well now, it's been quite a week, or weekend...Jeez I'm all over the place.

I just couldn't figure out what the Muttie One was up to over the last few days. I mean, since Friday last week she's been regularly rubbing me with this old tee-shirt of hers (thankfully she'd washed it first). But why?? I couldn't figure out her reasoning. I mean, my days of circling the sides of the bath then falling in head-first are long gone (see previous pics) - my fur didn't need drying off. I now know how to conduct myself where baths are concerned.

But still, The Muttie persisted, every night...wipe, wipe, rub, rub. At one stage I thought she'd lost it. Well, let's face it, she's been leading up to it for months now. In fact, the moment I met her I privately placed her in the 'barmy' category.

All was revealed however on Sunday night when I came face-to-face with this hyperactive explosion of ginger fur:

Apparently he's my new 'brother.' His name's Mac and I don't like him very much. In fact, I HATE HIM. The reason Muttie kept rubbing me with the tee-shirt was that prior to meeting me she rubbed the ginger thing in it, and believed some sort of 'transference' would take place ie apparently cos the ginger thing smelled like me I'd think it was my offspring! Doh!! Just how much intelligence to humans attribute to cats??

Out of sheer curiosity (and immediate hatred)  I had a sniff at the ginger furball. Gads!! My instinctive (and I reckon intelligent reaction) was to rear my back, spit, hiss and growl. I then, showing my distaste, fled the scene.

Three days hence, he's still here.

Muttie spends her nights in the spare room with him and Paw cuddles up to me in the double bed.

Could cats cause relationship-anxiety??

Anyways, I don't want the Muttie and Paw to split up on account of my dislike of ginger furball so I've devised a plan to rid us of him once and for all. I will:

  • eat all his food so he'll starve to death
  • take him for some 'road sense' lessons, only forget to teach him the basics
  • introduce him to the neighbourhood fox
  • give him a bunch of lilly's to chew on
Any more suggestions welcome....

Your, not-particularly-friendly-Milt xx

PS The Muttie Woman says if I don't put a link on here to her PinkVox column then - in her words - "you think your life is bad right now - in terms of a kitten-conundrum - let's just see how much worse it can get." At this point, I realise life is a compromise and I'm willing to do whatever to get the old bat off my back. PS, the forthcoming text has no relation to my musings...

Monday, 14 June 2010

What's Going On??

Oooooh, one does enjoy a good back scrub in dirt - free exfoliation courtesy of Mother Nature:)

Meanwhile, what to report?

There's an air of secrecy around the household these days.  I catch Muttie and Paw whispering away then, when I stroll into the vicinity, they change the subject. Muttie will say something like: "So, petrol's gone up another 10p eh?" And I just know their current conversation isn't related to what they were speaking about previously.

Also, on Saturday, Muttie bought a packet of Hill's extra-special cat food...the KITTEN variety!! Now, I might be small for an adult male cat - and rather muscular I might add - but I ain't no kitten. Fatboy says I'm just being paranoid and maybe they're just trying to keep me on my paws. But I'm not so sure.

Also, Muttie's cancelled all engagements for the last weekend in June. And she and Paw are planning to sleep in separate rooms. Apparently I've to sleep with Paw. But who's Muttie going to be sleeping with? Not that I particularly want to sleep with her 'cos boy can she snore! But it's the principle, ya know...

Anyway, sorry, I know this isn't a particularly informative post but I'm just wondering if you blogging buddies can shed any light?

Your much-maligned Milt x

Saturday, 5 June 2010

Historical Boobs?? My Muttie's...

I've been a bad kitty - in more ways than one.

Firstly, I haven't been blogging as regularly as I should - due to a fascinating big clump of wood and leaves in our neighbour's garden which the aforementioned has left lying all week (she felled her two trees in one go).

Well, I feel it's my mission to inspect this now-redundant  huge piece of nature to ensure there are no mice etc inhabiting it. And unfortunately there's not :(. And believe me, I have spent HOURS rummaging. To the extent that Muttie has had to come grab me to get me to come to bed at night...she even ventured out in her  pyjamas the other night (shudder). This is not a pretty sight especially as the complicated bone-structured stuff she refers to as 'underwear' no longer 'holds her in.'

And the other reason I've been bad...well actually, this is Muttie's fault (as usual). I believe there was a 'historical' error in my last post due to Muttie's crap research. Yes, the silly bint told me that Queen Elizabeth the First had an affair with Ghillie Brown when really, everyone knows, that ruffs only came into fashion after Mary Queen of Scots defeated Hitler at the Battle of Bannockburn in 1066. Doh!! She's sacked...again...

Anyhows, other, Paw and the Muttie One went to the local RSPB Centre at Lochwinnoch the other day and we discovered all these wierd objects nailed to trees. Well, they're not wierd objects in themselves but to find them nailed onto trees was pretty Kooky:

 Yes, that's a teddy bear. And the other weird item:

Er, that'll be a hat then! And the reason for this? They're both birds' nests. Recycling-tastic!!

Another thing happened at the RSPB reserve and I was SOOOO embarrassed but I believe the Muttie-Bint is using it for her woman's mag column so no doubt she'll share the link in my next post (she's so PUSHY!!) and anyways, I'm so glad it's not being referenced to in this one (one has standards). Obviously, the next link will be a' la her...or however you say it in French. I'm a German scholar myself.

Anyways, sorry - nothing riveting to report in this post although I believe future mailings may be more interesting. For instance Auntie Jennifer (she of the eagle eyes and bleeding First Class History Degree who, of course, noted Muttie's boob) and Uncle Steven are coming to visit next month (hoooray - they always give me LOADS of cuddles and strokes and I'm hoping they might even bring a few packets of Dreamies with them - which were noticeably absent on their last visit by the way).

And the other potentially interesting matter - according to Muttie - is that our household is about to three weeks time...

Yours, in a curious and rather fretful fashion

Milt xx

Monday, 24 May 2010

Ruffling up some Fun!

Life's never easy. And in times of extreme adversity one finds it's easier to well, go along with things...

Particularly if those things involve one's Muttie's BF's offspring insisting you dress up as Elizabeth I, complete with ruffles:

For all you Non-Brits out there, this was an English, red-haired, Protestant Queen who had an incredibly long reign, as well as an affair with her Ghillie, the brazen Scot John Brown (oooer,). And there was a brill film on her reign starring the gorge Cate Blanchett.

Still, one can always turn a blind paw to misdemeanours and look to the future. And the future is rosy my friends. The Muttie One starts a new full-time commission tomorrow which means she's out of my whiskers five days a week for the next eight months. Meeeow. I almost don't know what to do with myself altho it will involve a certain amount of bird watching and mousing, that's for sure. And I'll have the place to myself. I wonder if Fatboy might want to come over for some tuna? I've kinda missed bashing him while I was staying at Paws. I've also heard there's a new dog on the prowl in our back yard. I'll have to get my paw down, and hopefully Fatboy will give me a helping paw or two too.

In the meantime, the Muttie one is braying away tonight 'cos she got a beautiful, colourful award from my old buddie Max:

I got the award, but the Muttie has claimed it. Apparently we have to answer a series of questions then pass it on. So here goes:

1. What would your prefect day consist of?

A bit of tuna for breakfast, the Muttie One could go tramping around with her camera and a book and I'd get peace. Then we'd meet up again and there'd be tuna for tea

2. How would you describe yourself if you were an item of clothing?

Something luxurious. Maybe a faux minx stole?

3. What hobbies are you currently working on?

Well, mousing is my main one. I like to concentrate on this while Muttie is doing her quilting and dreaming of getting her bony ass out on her bike

4. Walking in the woods in wellies or bare foot on the beach?

Oooh, definitely bare-pawed

5. Have you ever hugged or sung to a tree?

I've accomplished the odd recital. As for Muttie - don't even go there!! Remember, a cat's hearing is six times as sensitive as that of humankind. One tends not to encourage her.

6. Growing your own veggies or nipping to the supermarket?

Growng my own. One has fun gnawing the green bits off carrots

7. Have you found anyone exciting in your family tree?

Well, there was Uncle Ignacius who, as a Republican cat during the Spanish Civil War brought many a Nationalist mouse to its knees

8. Slap up meal in a posh restaurant or fish ‘n’ chips from the wrapper?

Oooh, def fish 'n' chips

9. Which element do you most resonate with, Earth, Air, Fire or water?

Fire, baby

10. Do you believe in fairies?

I do, of the whiskers variety and one that'll hopefully rescue me from Muttie...

Now, apparently I have to pass this along to five of my cattie pals..

She's great and I've learned so much from her: ten-lives-second-chances
Ok, we're talking canine's here, but he's a buddy terrierabouttown. 
He's one of ours but has his own identity: four-furry-friends
Muttie and Me love Lucky sillylupie
Muttie thinks this lady is as cool as a cat: snifflesandsmiles

Miltonian xx

Thursday, 20 May 2010

A Shellfish Tale

This is a scintillating side-on profile pic, as you can you see for yourself.

But regardless, er, can I just apologise to all you adoring legions of fans out there? I haven't been able to blog recently cos the Muttie One has been selfishly bashing away at the keyboard non-stop, having obtained for herself a wee commission or two (journalism, not fiction, so don't get too excited).

Still, it means loads more Dreamies for me, hee hee. This is a yummy kitty treat manufactured by Mars. Now, this is the second time  I've mentioned Mars and the reason for that is, being a smart kitty, I'm looking at the possibilities offered by product placement here. Hello 21st Century!! I'm going to send Mars my two blog entries in which they're mentioned and ask if I can become an ambassador for them and hopefully they'll say: "Yes, Milt - we'd sooo love to have you on board (they'd talk like that 'cos they're probably American - all the big corps are). And please, take these 30 free packets of Dreamies with our compliments as a token of our initial appreciation."

That way, I wouldn't be reliant on Muttie and could quite easily fend for myself. This opens up all sorts of possibilities ie like me leaving home, maybe getting my own place (with furry furniture), enjoying a foreign holiday twice a year - boy are those French felines TRES sexy?! It'd maybe even result in me being able to afford that wee sparkly bling collar I spotted in Cats R Cute the other day! Actually, the possibilities, as I'm sure you realise, are endless. Of course, it'd also give me some bargaining power with Muttie along the lines of me insisting tuna should be served every alternate day rather than just every Friday. Independence is a great thing.

The other thing I wanted to mention in this blog is my R E S P E C T for cousin Jenna. I love Jenna. She's eight and so cute and smart. The other day there she'd been to the beach and collected a big bag of shells. She'd brought them to Gran's home where she spends a lot of her days after school. She wanted to clean them up, count 'em, then paint them in all sorts of gaudy rainbow colours.

"Ok," said a reluctant, ExtrEEEMELY houseproud Gran. "Now let's organise this. I'll fill the basin with hot water, you wipe them then put them on the stainless steel draining board to let them dry. Later you can paint them."

"Cool," says the Jenster.

So Gran retires to the sitting room with a cup of coffee and her mag, leaving Jenna to her own devices.

An hour later Grandpa goes into the kitchen to see how the Jenster's doing. He immediately returns to the sitting room and alerts Gran.

"Er, I think you'd better go through and have a look," he says in a rather undecided manner.

Gran throws down her mag and enters the kitchen only to see every single surface of her immaculate, sanitised haven covered in shells. In fact, it was even quite difficult to open the door.

"Wow, 305 shells Gran!! Who'd have thought?" the Jenster proudly announces....

Who indeed! Not Gran I'd readily surmise...I only wish I'd been there to see the horrified look on Muttie's Maw's face, hee, hee.

Milt, the mean advertising man, er kitty xx

Monday, 10 May 2010

Kopywrite Konfusion!!

The Muttie woman is really getting on my nerves!

Like, she's been commissioned to write a column for an online-mag and she's stealing all my best blunders, er lines, to put on there. We're at this crisis point, it seems. So I've said to her...all my stuff is copyright ie whatever I do, whatever I meeow, whatever it seems like I'm's prone to legalese.

She's not happy about it, obviously, as she's such a boring individual herself; it is moi who gives her inspiration.

She claims she'll be able to write a column minus my intervention...I doubt it!  I mean, this is what she came up with:

Folks, I rest my Kittie Kase!!

Your Milt,

Friday, 7 May 2010

Mountains and Mediation

What a lonesome week it's been. The skinny-ass'd one has hardly been home.

On Monday she and Paw went tramping up a mountain in an effort to reduce the circumference of Paw's gut so his trousers won't cut into him when he's sitting at his desk at work (he's a teacher for goodness sake, shouldn't he be poised - chalk in hand - in front of the blackboard, er whiteboard, most of the time anyways?!)

The lumpy structure they ascended is around 2,900ft high and called Ben Arthur. But everyone refers to it as The Cobbler because of its shape ie on the far right of its peak apparently you can see the cobbler, in the middle is his last and on the left is the wife supposedly nagging him to work faster (he must be related to Paw):

For once in Scotland, the sun was shining and it showed just how pretty our wee country can be:

Halfway up The Cobbler the parental combo encountered some snow and Muttie just couldn't resist the opportunity to pummel Paw (sigh):

The day before they'd gone for a walk to Eggie Park near Paw's place where they encountered a medieval bandstand. Thankfully Paw didn't have his g'eetar with him and peace reigned for the entire afternoon:

But hey, there's no piccies of me so far in this post. What was I thinking?! You lot must be so bored viewing all those scenic shots. So anyways, this is my favourite place to sit in Muttie's kitchen and means I can watch what Fatboy's up to without too much difficulty:

There's been a big ginger Tom hanging around our place for a few days now. Or at least it was until I returned. For the past two months now I've been spending two weeks at Paw's house then two weeks at Muttie's. I wish the Great Female Procastinater would just get organised and move into Paw's for good. He's dreading it of course cos she tends to be rather messy and she also has plans to 'modernise' his decor.

He gets really jumpy whenever she mentions Homebase or B&Q. She's threatened to ring up the local TV studios and offer his home as the backdrop for a 1950s sitcom unless he does something soon....I tend to saunter outside when this particular strain of conversation arises...I find it's best to be impartial in these matters and cowardly purr for both sides...

Milt, the Middleman xx