Saturday, 28 November 2009

Santa - I know you're no sap...

Dear Santa

You may consider this a tad early for a Christmas list but in light of its extreme importance I'm getting it to you now to give you plenty of time to reflect.

What I'd really, really, really like for my first-ever Christmas is a new Muttie and Paw (as in Dad).

The reasons for this are numerous but the five I'd particularly like to highlight are:

a) I only get a treat once a day and it's used as a bargaining tool to get me in the house when I'm playing outdoors and refuse to come in (of course, I always fall for it, darn!)

b) Maw and Paw have reduced the amount of time we play 'chew the toes under the duvet' in recent weeks from 20 mins to a mere five a day.

c) Dad has changed the make of treats I get from Whiskas to Tesco's own brand (it's cheaper.)

d) Muttie has commandeered the laptop meaning I haven't been able to write my blog for three weeks (I'm only doing it now cos she's out at the dry cleaners). She's using the laptop to write her OU Creative Writing stuff and let me tell you Santa, having seen what she's produced, it's clear there's only one writer in this household!

e) It's getting colder and I can't get to sit in front of the gas fire cos Muttie's fat arse is always there first.

Anyhows Santa, that's just a taster of what I've been having to put up with of late. I'm sure you'll agree no kitten, and especially one as intelligent and sensitive as myself, should have to endure such outrages.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Milton (who, incidentally, has been as good as gold this year). xx

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

A Kittie's work is never done...

Muttie's been giving me strange looks all weekend. When I say 'strange' I mean disconcerting.

They began after a two-day reading fest. She wouldn't take her snout out this one book, to the extent I had to remind her, while she popped to the loo, that I still hadn't received my BREAKFAST treat by DINNER time yesterday.

"Alright Milt," she growled. "Treats aren't standard by the way. They're as the word suggests, a 'treat' ie something that you get now and again, usually for being good. Although if that were the case you and treats would be strangers eh? Ha,ha."

Yes, very funny. Have you weighed yourself recently?

Then she went on: "Of course, really clever kitties would get regular treats because they'd always be doing something smart or useful."

Eh, what's the dotty one going on about now?

I decided to investigate. And it didn't take long before the penny dropped. The book she was reading was called Dewey (although Pewey, would be a better title 'cos it's full of the brown stuff I reckon).

It's all about a little kitten that turned up in the Overnight Returns Box of a small town library in Iowa. It had hypothermia and even after it survived it was still hobbling around for months afterwards cos it had frostbite on its wee paws (Dad was in tears at that bit). Anyhows, this ginger kitty lives in the library and ends up charming the whole town of Spencer with its sociable, playful nature. It seems to understand when folks need a cuddle and makes everyone smile at a time when the town is in economic shut-down.

Dewey's story spreads, locally at first, then nationally throughout America and finally internationally when a Japanese film crew come and screen test him.

"Milton," the Mother Ship 'innocently' enquired late last night. "Don't you get bored running around the garden all day? I mean, wouldn't it be nice to do something a bit more well...challenging?

"You're coming into work with me tomorrow. After all, I KNOW you can shuffle papers."

Monday, 2 November 2009


Muttie's paranoia has reached extreme stages...she's convinced a guy in her building (let's not be too specific here), is cultivating cannabis. I have a wee bit of sympathy for her imaginings here. Three months ago he bought black-out blinds and he doesn't seem to actually live there. Prior to that she was always bumping into his "outta their head mates." They were pleasant enough to the extent that one of them invited her to a 'Pot and Poker Party.'

Being the non-Poker player and addictive personality that she is the Mother Ship said: "Thanks Dude, but I got a pot roast to get going." Boy, was I embarrassed by that comment but I kinda know where she's coming from. The last thing we want is for the Mother Ship to get hooked on cannabis...

However, as an open-minded pussy, I'm curious all the same...

Muttie is planning to go to Madrid at Xmas for five days and the cannabis growing bloke in the building has offered to look after me. What d'ya think?

Dad thinks Muttie should give the police an anonymous tip-off call but I'm with the Mother Ship in that we think the polis are fun-lovin' Dude Oppressors and hey, we really like the neighbour! And hate the polis...

Let the weed widen...

Yours in a potentially hallucionegic-mode, The Milt xxxx