Monday, 2 November 2009


Muttie's paranoia has reached extreme stages...she's convinced a guy in her building (let's not be too specific here), is cultivating cannabis. I have a wee bit of sympathy for her imaginings here. Three months ago he bought black-out blinds and he doesn't seem to actually live there. Prior to that she was always bumping into his "outta their head mates." They were pleasant enough to the extent that one of them invited her to a 'Pot and Poker Party.'

Being the non-Poker player and addictive personality that she is the Mother Ship said: "Thanks Dude, but I got a pot roast to get going." Boy, was I embarrassed by that comment but I kinda know where she's coming from. The last thing we want is for the Mother Ship to get hooked on cannabis...

However, as an open-minded pussy, I'm curious all the same...

Muttie is planning to go to Madrid at Xmas for five days and the cannabis growing bloke in the building has offered to look after me. What d'ya think?

Dad thinks Muttie should give the police an anonymous tip-off call but I'm with the Mother Ship in that we think the polis are fun-lovin' Dude Oppressors and hey, we really like the neighbour! And hate the polis...

Let the weed widen...

Yours in a potentially hallucionegic-mode, The Milt xxxx


  1. Milt,
    When did you become a gangsta rapper? Kittehz Wiv Attitude, or what?
    However, we feel you are quite right on the subject of your Muttie becoming a stool pigeon. You could never live down the shame.
    As for the Milt-sitting, it might seem very tempting to imagine days sitting in a blissed out, hippyish haze. But sometimes people who like weed don't remember to feed themselves, until they do an emergency dash down the all-night supermarket for sackfuls of e-numbers. Can he be trusted to give you the nurturing - and fine quality food - you require?
    Tell your Muttie to invest in a quality cat-sitter. They come in, feed you, pet you, check that no one has broken in and generally keep an eye on the place.
    Our temporary tin-opener goes by the name of Gavin and costs about £7 a day. Don't know if he operates on the south side but I'm sure there's an equivalent.
    Oh, and if the dude in the building doesn't seem to actually live there, can he be trusted with your well-being?
    Yours, with years of experience of feckless humans fecking off on mini-breaks,
    Jez and Bootsie

  2. Hello, Young Milton.

    As a cat with some past experience of being cared for by potheads, I can heartily recommend it.
    Potheads tend to be fairly immobile. They lack the motivation to get off the couch to stop you scratching the wallpaper, the couch itself, or, in some cases, even parts of their own anatomy. I have found this to be an advantage.
    Also, Potheads tend to nod off, leaving tasty crisps, pies, kebabs etc at one's mercy. This provides excellent illicit snacking opportunties, as well as the chance to throw up said snack shortly afterwards in the most inconvenient spot you can find.
    He'll stand in it, in his sock feet, before he realises it's there. It's a hoot. Trust me.
    Given my own tendencies toward moral turpitude, I must echo Jez and Bootsie's comments re grassing people up. It's not the done thing at all. I'd be back in cat jail sharpish if people around here did it.
    I'm an old lady these days and what I don't know isn't worth knowing. So if you ever need more handy hints and tips on how to better drive your Mummy completely bughouse, I'm the girl to call.
    I'll start with teaching you how to use the phone when she's out. I ordered three pizzas this afternoon. You should have seen his face.

    Yours Nefariously,

    Fergie Ferg, The Backsliding Ginger Recidivist.

    PS: Auntie Maddie, the maddest cat in West Central Scotland, says hello. And Wibble. She's being Napoleon again today.

  3. LOL!! Jez, Bootsie and Fergie Ferg...wot you all like!!

    There seems to be a clash of opinions amongst you re my babysitter over Xmas. Muttie wants to discuss it in finer detail (boooring). BTW do you dudes all know each other?

    And yes, Jez and Bootsie I picked up the gangsta rap the other day there, I reckoned it was time I got with it. Let's face it, the Mother Ship still listens to Dylan...

    Fergie - brill tips there :). My fav thing at the moment is to slowly tear her laundry basket to shreds. Then I like to eat the straw. My litter tray has been a bit 'spikey' in recent months and it's sore to 'pass' stuff but the taste of that straw makes up for it.

    Fergie, just curious-like, were the pizzas tuna-based? If so, you and me must get together sometime...

    Yours in collaboration, The Milt

    PS Have your can openers ever bought you Tesco's own-brand kitten chow? Dad did it this week and I'm not impressed. I like the expensive stuff. 'Hills' is my food of choice...

    PPS. Maddie sounds magic! I luv perplexed pussies.


I'm always purrrrleased to read your comments