Saturday, 28 November 2009

Santa - I know you're no sap...

Dear Santa

You may consider this a tad early for a Christmas list but in light of its extreme importance I'm getting it to you now to give you plenty of time to reflect.

What I'd really, really, really like for my first-ever Christmas is a new Muttie and Paw (as in Dad).

The reasons for this are numerous but the five I'd particularly like to highlight are:

a) I only get a treat once a day and it's used as a bargaining tool to get me in the house when I'm playing outdoors and refuse to come in (of course, I always fall for it, darn!)

b) Maw and Paw have reduced the amount of time we play 'chew the toes under the duvet' in recent weeks from 20 mins to a mere five a day.

c) Dad has changed the make of treats I get from Whiskas to Tesco's own brand (it's cheaper.)

d) Muttie has commandeered the laptop meaning I haven't been able to write my blog for three weeks (I'm only doing it now cos she's out at the dry cleaners). She's using the laptop to write her OU Creative Writing stuff and let me tell you Santa, having seen what she's produced, it's clear there's only one writer in this household!

e) It's getting colder and I can't get to sit in front of the gas fire cos Muttie's fat arse is always there first.

Anyhows Santa, that's just a taster of what I've been having to put up with of late. I'm sure you'll agree no kitten, and especially one as intelligent and sensitive as myself, should have to endure such outrages.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Milton (who, incidentally, has been as good as gold this year). xx


  1. That's an oxymoron I'm afraid Milt. No kitten is as good as gold. It's just one of those things that kittens don't do. Better to admit it outright and go for the sympathy vote. Which, from what you say, will be a dead cert.

  2. Auntie Shaz, could you maybe write a wee note to Santa too in my defence? I mean, you know Muttie...

    M x

  3. Milt,
    We really aren't sure we should tell you this - our can-opener might see it - but ... every cat ends up feeling their domestic arrangements aren't quite up to scratch sometimes. However, you have to remember that good household staff are hard to come by. You might not believe this, being such a young thing, but some cats get NO treats at all.
    And a treat does what it says on the tin - it is not something you get all the time.
    You might think we've gone over to the other side but we can only see two real problems in your complaints about your humans.
    Firstly, playtime really should be unlimited. Find a way of engaging them. They have very little brains, you know. If you suddenly exhibit some un-catlike behaviour such as fetching toys and putting them in front of the humans for throwing purposes, they will be putty in your hands (this is known, modestly, in our house as the Bootsie Method or bring-the-thing).
    Secondly, Tesco produce is just not acceptable. Just pray to Ceiling Cat for a Waitrose, asap.
    The rest, our little feline friend, is just life.
    Your devoted correspondents,
    Jez and Boots
    PS, About Santa ....... You do know .....
    (transmission interrupted by return of companion human)

  4. Jez and Boots - I know!! Muttie went out the other day and got me non-Tesco treats and boy, was that brill! I saw her put the Tesco stuff in the bin then she and Dad had a huge argument about it. I felt, at that point, that Muttie was on my side. She went on about her non-Tesco dinners. And the words Marks and Spencers came up...

    Auntie Shaz - luv, I'm your exception. Don't judge me on YOUR kittens!!


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