Orange Paint and Crap Collars

"Maybe we should change your name to Houdini," the Mother Ship declared last night.

"Well, let's face it my scrawny skinny-necked little one...you've managed to loose TWO kitten collars within the last three weeks...incidentally these cost me a bloody fiver at a time - the fancy collar and the tag with your name on it.

"Actually Milt, I'm faced with two possibilities here:

A} You've done a big ear-scratchy thing and the collar has gone "ping"

B} A drug addict person (let's face it, there's lots around our way) has grabbed you and stolen your collar to sell for acid etc...

"I'm at a bit of a loss here...and you're not helping one bit!"

The Mother Ship worries too much. Obviously what happened between the collars and me is a sensitive subject and maybe one that will come up in future correspondence...

Anyhows, keeping the Mother Ship in suspension, last night I sashayed into the kitchen....only to find her painting the shelves a - what can I say? - 'sunburst' orange colour!"

It's finally happened...the old dear who dishes out my grub - has finally flipped.

"What d'ya think Milt?" she enquired, with a sickening smile on her old pus. "Cool eh?. From now on when me and you walk into the kitchen of a morning feeling like crap and wishing we could just crawl back into bed and not go to work, instead we're going to be so gee'd up by this positive colour you and moi are gonna think to ourselves: 'Hey, it's another new day. Let's get out there and do damage!!"

Actually the paint's making my head spin and the colour makes me want to boak. I'm well aware Muttie is a despressive but colour therapy?!

And this was just after I'd eavesdropped and heard Muttie's friend going on about how she knows how it feels to be Victoria Beckham. Not that she's married to someone who looks better naked than her, or that she feels sick when confronted by a carbohydrate. No, it's cos at her work they've covered all the windows in a tinted film. This apparently is a cost-saving carbon-tastic measure ie it keeps the heat in. Brilliant! Except..it's now so dark in there that unless you want to know how it feels like to wear sunglasses indoors - all day, every day (the skinny Vicky way) - then you have to switch the lights on which er....uses up electricity and costs money....

Another bizarre carbon-tastic idea came from a man who proudly sent the Mother Ship a photo of his new electrical bike. Yes, when going up a hill you just switch on the rechargable operated engine and it shoots all the way up to the top. Job done. No exertion required. Except this self same man who, at 40, is even younger than she is, had just been saying how unfit he'd felt and how this new bike was going to get him back in shape again. The Mother Ship felt incredibly disappointed at this and thought it kinda missed the point. I got a long bloo*y lecture on it.

Anyways, if you've read this far you're an extremely tolerant person and maybe one day, you and Muttie could get together...

Miltonian The Memorable xxx