Sunday, 6 December 2009

Cinderella comes in many disguises...

I've thought about it frequently over the last few days and I just can't make up my mind over which of the two human tin openers (Jez and Bootsie's term, I have to concede) is the more pathetic.

I mean, I've seen Muttie wail over novels while lying on the couch (and grumble about having to wash the mascara off her silk cushions afterwards) but Saturday was embarrassment par excellence.

There they were, the whole Stevenson family - Maw, Paw, Grannie, Auntie Maureen and cousin Jenna - sitting hooked on the panto, Cinderella in the Citz. The sweeties were oot and the boos were deafening. All was going well it seemed until the final curtain came down and the lights went on. Now, even as a frisky feline, I know how the ending goes ie Cinders gets her Prince after the doves peck out the eyes of the wicked stepmother (and good thing too!) So what happened to Paw?

"Bill," eight-year-old Jenna excitedly exclaimed, "your eyes are all filled with water. Are you crying cos it's a happy ending?"

"Er, no Jenna," Paw coughed, in a non-convincing-fashion, "it's just er, my contact lenses go all funny sometimes and, like, they make my eyes go a bit soggy."

Yeah, right...

Meanwhile, Muttie's been having a right laugh-fest this weekend. She was convulsing so much that at one point I thought she was going to have a hernia.

"Oh Milt, this is hilarious," she screamed.

What? You've finally acknowledged your attempts at make-up is not what it should be?

Apparently not. She shoved this lilac, fabric-covered book, in my face - 20% off from Borders shut-down sale. It's called: "How to Dress for Success" and was written by a famous dresser-to-the-stars called Edith Head in 1967 (the Mother Ship claims she was but a twinkling in the womb at this point altho I'd heavily dispute that).

"Look at this entry, for instance," she exclaimed. "It says here 'whether you are a bride of a few weeks or the mother of a grown family, the way you look to your husband every day should be a matter of personal pride.'

Then she went on, the book says if you invite your man and his friends over to your place, you've to consider your attire: 'A full-length hostess gown in a colour that blends with your living room is the perfect answer, but make sure it is one you can move in gracefully without spilling the matter how glamerous they look in the ads, avoid long dangling necklaces that wind up in the salad bowl when you're serving. Above all, for every three cocktails you serve your guests, make a weak one on the rocks for yourself. There's nothing that will turn a potential bride into a passing fancy quicker than her passing out at her own party.'

Well, let me tell you that last wee bit of advice has obviously gone way over Muttie's own non-sophisticated head...

So, anyways, just three weeks to go before the Treat-Meister arrives, apparently. Miaaaaaow.

M xx


  1. Bill was probably just moved by the sight of all those happy children!

  2. Er yes, Auntie Ellen that's right - NOT!

  3. Well, Milton,
    Our female tin-opener always adheres to the highest standards in personal grooming even while about the house.
    Her normal attire is a fetching cocktail dress and she always rises before the male (not so difficult to do, actually) to ensure her maquillage is perfect for him.
    Sorry, that last bit was a hijack. Don't know how the scruffy one got to our computer. She's currently scoffing a festive snowball, with no make-up on and wearing her festering trackie pants and t-shirt (not so) fresh from the gym.
    They are all useless, Milt. Don't even try to understand the feckers or your head will explode.
    Jez and Bootsie
    PS We left the tin-opener's contribution on the top just to show you how demented the auld git is.

  4. Jez and Bootsie, I wonder if you two would be interested in a Muttie-swap? Yours sounds like fun!

    M x


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