Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Meddling with Malapropisms

Frankly, there are times when I feel used.

Muttie is supposed to be studying various Comms Strategies right now with a view to getting a job and, far more importantly, more Dreamies (a yummy treat, manufactured by Mars) for me. But instead she's sidled up to me and announced with a forced brightness: "I know Milt! Let's have some fun and do your blog." Well, I'm telling you right now, there's no-way she's regurgitating her paltry, putrid thoughts down on my on-line diary. This sacred space dear followers, is between you lot and moi. There'll be no product placement or mutterings of a mad Muttie on here, let me assure you!

So anyways, can I just say: "miooow, miooow, MIIIIIIIow." Right, just had to get that off my furry chest. Reason for that was Maw and Paw have been huddling together of late, supposedly out of my earshot, and discussing a forthcoming meeting with a 'pet therapist' (they don't realise that cats have ten times the strength of human hearing. Doh!) So, I've picked up a concern they have with my miooow. They say I don't do it right. That I just do the 'oooow' bit and can't pronounce the 'mi' and I'm coming out all plaintive and well, 'wailleeeeeey' was Muttie's word. She says I hurt her ears, especially around 6am when I demand to get out and do my first patrol of the gardens. One likes to get out and make an early start on these things, non?

Let me tell you right now, there is NO way I'm going to a pet therapist. He or she will be human for a start. And I won't be able to focus on them up close (we cats tend to be short-sighted, which is a blessing when encountering Muttie head-on first thing in the morning!)

So, to move onto more interesting things...(and make her forget about taking me to the aforementioned pet therapist) Muttie was sitting staring at me earlier today with yet another problem on her mind. It's to do with the mother of one of the main characters in her novel. She wants her to have a 'funny foible.' She considered dementia (loads of laughs with that but it's kinda a sensitive subject too and frankly I don't know if Muttie has the wherewithall to do 'sensitive') so she then went on to talk about Tourettes - but I soon put her off that, BLOODY HELL!! And eventually we settled on 'malapropism' - you know, when you say the wrong word.

Her friend Alee put her onto this idea today when he was telling her about his sister-in-law who'd gone into labour with her first child and was having a terrible time. She recounted it later to him and, on describing the unmentionable events, told him: "Yes, it got so bad, the doctor had to seduce me!"

Well, did it not remind Muttie of the time when as a 16-year-old studying for her 'O' Grades (not yesterday, let me tell you) she'd depart to her bedroom, determined to swot, only to hear the impressed tones of her Nanny Mitchell: "Is that you away upstairs for some squatting now, honey?" Muttie was always left with this vision of giving birth to an 'O' Grade Maths paper (and which, in retrospect, would have been far more impressive than what she eventually ended up with!)

Milt the Mis-proportionally Maligned xxx


  1. Phew Milt, that sounds like a bit of a heavy day for you, suspect you need some rest now and let Muttie get on with her writing - love the post though, got me laughing a fair bit too! x

  2. Now, now sweet Milton!

    A pet therapist will try and bring out the inner kitty in you and you'd love that wouldn't you?? :-) It'll be like a second kittyhood!

    Please wish Muttie luck with her writing! A Mrs Malaprop is always a challengeling.

    take care

  3. Ah, English Writer and Old Kitty, Muttie says "hi" and she loves you guys. You give her the stamina to go on and make her feel like she's part of an on-line community.

    But personally, kitty-wise, there's no-way I'm gonna meet that therapy dude. Milt xx

  4. Reminds me of not long ago when someone called our law office, asking, "Do you have a notorious republican in your office?" Well, the short answer is, "yes," to the literal question, but it was soon discovered that what the caller actually mean was that he needed a "Notary Public" to transfer a title...which we could also happily accomodate. C

  5. Just loved it! Was it She Stoops to Conquer?

  6. Never mind Milt, you know how she is with her literacy ambition.

  7. I vote for the pet therapist. But only because I would love to read that particular story!

  8. I love that story about the Notary Public!! :)
    Auntie Carole I think it was The Rivals, altho haven't seen it myself.
    Auntie Ellen Muttie says she believes you have literacy ambitions too?
    Auntie Sarah - if they succeed in taking me, you'll hear all about it next time :) xx

  9. Oh, Milt...You are much too smart for a therapist! You'll have the therapist completely bamboozled! Love you; love your blog...Mind if I pull up a chair and make myself at home? ~ Janine XO

  10. Oh please do Auntie Janine. Muttie was almost in tears this morning when she read your blog. Well, and laughter too. She got this nice, warm feeling. And she loved your characterisation. Just brilliant!

    M x

  11. Milt, you don't need a pet therapist! You look like the kind of cat who's in touch with their inner cat-hood. :)

  12. Milt Buddy..you cant win with the bosses, if your sqauking all the time..they take you to the...(Vet) ... I HATE, that word almost as much as the other 3 letter one, staring with D and ending with G, incase your ill..if you dont meeooww at all they take you..incase you have hearing problems..if you do it wrong..they take you..they are just totally obsessed with VETS !!..trust me buddy i know these things..last time i went, i came out less of a man (know what i mean !! ultimate indignity)..you got 2 choices Milt Buddy..go along with it, just to keep her happy..or do a runner, come over to me and the gang..we have got these things down to a fine art..we either disappear for a few days..on our return all is forgiven as they are so pleased to see us..or else create havoc in the surgery..boy did Smokey give them hell last time he had to go..they had to shut the surgery, he got out of his box like a cat out of a kennel, jumped all over the counter and ran rings around them all...when Mrs Boss went to bring him home..they said they had real problems with catching him,... but he was having a 'nut' job as well..like you say we got Good hearing..no self respecting guy wants to have that so he just did what a guys gotta do..but they got him in the end..Momo is next..he hasn't got a clue !!..anyway Milt..you keep your blog to yourself..i've had to use hers to write this, but am geting my own a.s.a.p....stay away from those therapists Milt..you dont need them..all you need is a friend to talk to...were here for you Milt Buddy..we can all learn from each other...mmmeeeooooww Bailey, Lady Jacey and Momo..the Gang

  13. I love your photos. We have 4 cats that we rescued from the winter freeze. It's always wonderful to meet another cat lover. Great post, Milt.

  14. Great post Milt - and I agree with everyone who thinks you don't need a therapist.


  15. Just stopping by to see my favorite literary cat! Love and hugs to you, Janine

  16. Love your blog Milt you are SO funny..click onto Ma's profile here and you'll get a look at my new blog..having a few probs at the minute..talk soon Milt Buddy..Bailey, Lady, Jacey and Momo xx

  17. Sorry milt..it obvious i think..MY blog is..'4 cats four cats'..far more interesting than her silly efforts..will get my own sorted out very soon, just having a few problems at the minute..take care Buddy xx


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